There are good moms, and then there are bad moms. The degree on how good or bad is how you look at how they were as you grew up. What they did, or said, or what they didn't do or say plays a big role in how you measure a mom. I tend to weight my mother in that way. I look at everything as a whole to determine how good or bad she was.
When it came to providing for our needs, she was ON TOP. She worked like a dog, double shifts, two jobs, long hard hours. She did everything she could to make sure I had everything that I needed. Food, Clothes, Toys, a Home. In that respect, she is my HERO. The amount of crap, and I mean CRAP (she worked in a nursing home) she took over the years would turn the stomachs of lesser persons. I can't describe the amount of respect I have for her.
On the other hand, when It came to emotions, she was lacking. All her energy went into providing our physical needs, she had no energy left for me and my brother. Well, actually it felt like she had no time for me, because I believe she favored my brother over me. I looked like my dad too much, every time she saw me, she saw him. So right off the bat I was doomed. Doomed I guess is a strong word, but I use it because it sounds all dramatic and stuff.
I know she loves me, but she doesn't like me. I don't think she ever will. And for you MOM enthusiast out there, don't get the wrong impression. I am not ungrateful to her. Its because of her that I want to make more of myself then she ever could because of me. I know I ruined her life. If she had only one son, maybe it would of been so much easier on her. I am glad I am alive, but maybe I shouldn't have been born.
No I am not suicidal either. Not anymore at least, I hope. I am just thinking that it might have been better for her. But that's something we will never know
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