New year = New Life in the making

It is officially a new year ladies and gentlemen. And with a new year comes hordes of New Years Resolutions, and here's mine. Create a better more functional me complete with proper medication when needed, and possible talk therapy that will actually work. Okay, it does seem a bit grim sounding for those of you who don't "know me," but I do need these things. Hopefully not forever, but as long as I need them I will strive to attain them.

My life at this moment is complicated and yet simple at the same time. I have no "home" to call my own as of yet. I am living with a group of the most remarkably abnormal people I have ever met, and I mean that in the BEST  possible sense.

First there is Eric, my loving boyfriend of one year (Oct 2, 2010). Queer in his own rights and a bit hot headed at times, I love him all the same. No matter what quirks I disagree with, and he knows the ones I am talking about...you naughty monkey.

Second, there is April. One of the wisest women I have ever met. She has this saying "that a cookie is sometimes just a cookie." For those of you who know the matrix you can grasp the meaning. For those who don't, too bad for you.

Then, or third, if you are keeping score, there is Jon (hope I spell that right). Quirkiest person alive, a living chaotic storm wrapped in this net of total calm and composure.

There is not a day that I don't have a confused or dumbfounded look on my face around these people.

OKAY, so down to the awesome. I plan to write at least once a day on this blog. Either I will write about the day I had or the people that piss me off. And YES there is a plethora of people out there that piss me off on a daily basis. Either by sheer stupidity, or by nit picking about inane meaningless crap and consumerism.  Or I will try to wrote a short story that I compiled into this torrent that is my head.

Here is where YOU come in... I will need to you tell your friends to tell there friends friends to follow and read what I write and comment on it. I need more people to be interested in what I have to say, at least enough to debate me or say "right on." And yes this is for a bit of self validation, at least on a web level, LOL. And everyone needs a bit of validation, even the strongest willed person. Especially FAMILY, newly rediscovered family at that too.

So here is too a great new year to family, friends, and friends not met yet. May you be blessed with enough of all you need

WALMART PEOPLE >:( of DOOM

Okay, Wal-Mart customers are EVIL...or at the very least, they are in need of a nappy-time. I have never seen so many uptight, overly pampered, spoiled, scavengers in my LIFE.
I am poor, well...I am in the poverty bracket. I understand that money is tight, and you wanna save a few bucks on the things you need. There is however a point when you become an unstoppable Juggernaut of GIMME GIMME GIMME goons. All you want is more, and there is a limit and a thing called moderation.
Let me give you an example..

Mrs.Thang finishes her shopping and decides it is time to head home. As she is standing in line getting items scanned, she notices that an item is priced differently than she thought. "I thought that was $3.88," she inquired of the cashier. Upon an item inquiry the cashier informs her that the item is not listed at that price nor does it have a mark down sticker. Mrs.Thang does not like the fact that she was questioned and denied. "But IT WAS ON THE CLEARANCE RACK...right over there..." she bellows. The cashier silently sighs, "Ma'am, can you show me where." As they reach the clearance items the cashier notices that no other item of that type is in that section. He even has an associate working that area check the coding on the item. It was found that the item was in fact, NOT on clearance. "WELL it WAS ON THE THE CLEARANCE RACK, AND IF THIS WAS K-MART THEY WOULD OF JUST DID THE PRICE I ASKED FOR." She argued her case to the best of her abilities. The cashier and the associate explained. Items are sometimes left in the wrong place by other customers who decide not to purchase that item. Just because the item was placed in this area, does not mean it belongs in that area. Mrs. Thang, she did not like the fact that she was being educated by lowly associates. "Well, K-mart would do it, I guess I won't get it then...

I would finish, but its just the end of the check out...bottom line..The associate know 100x more than you, DON'T ARGUE. My policy, "The Customers Alway THINK They Are Right" that's why I take my time to look at the item I am getting and get the actual price. Its not hard, just ask someone. And if an associate tells me NO, I accept it. Sometimes things just can't be done. It sucks, I know it does, but boundaries are needed.

Another thing people, Its called the express lane for a REASON. The 20 items or less policy, its not a challenge, its a limit. In all actuality, the Express Lane is for people with maybe 4 or 5 items at most. But people come through with 19 or 20 items because the register is RIGHT THERE. Well your 20 items is holding up the person with 2 items. ASSHOLE..

And another thing, know what you are doing when you get to the register, DO NOT be digging through your purse for a penny or loose change. Have your card, check, or bills out and ready. That's why they are the EXPRESS LANES...MORONS. Grandma standing there, “Oh, I know I have the nickle...If I can find that nickle in all this stuff I won't get change back, just bills...hehe” MOVE IT GRANNY

And if you don't want something, PUT IT BACK WHERE IT GOES. I know it is easier to just drop an item anywhere, or hand it to the cashier, I have done it too. But it is a giant hassle for the cashier. Put it back where you got it and everyone will be happy. You have burned a few extra calories, and the cashier will have one less thing to worry about.

But whats even worse than all the customers, its the manager who placate to these idiots. Look, I do my job fairly well, If I ask for a price check on a price dispute. DO NOT JUST TELL ME TO GIVE THEM THE PRICE...that makes me look like an idiot and I want nothing more than to shove the item down your throat....I have a method to my madness that is HONEST BUSINESS...When I call for a price check I want someone to check the area to see if there is any misplaced signage. Also to check to see if the area needs to be cleaned or re-organized. Or to make sure that the associates working in that area are made aware of the possible missed clearance items.

EXAMPLE...A woman came to me the other day and said that there was a sign that priced an item one price, and another sign for exact same item for a totally different price. I did check myself and there was indeed two signs for the exact item at different prices. Well, on my way back my manager met me and asked why I was away from the register and why I did not call for a price check. I gave him the situation and he said to give the lady the lower price. I was fine with that, but I asked who I needed to call to get the right pricing in the area. He brushed off my question and said, (not direct quote) “Just give the lady the lower price,” and he walked away. I felt like a total idiot. There I was trying to fix a mistake that could cause trouble in the future for not only other cashiers but produce as well, and I was basically told to fuck off.

Its for that reason ALONE...that I do not try to go above and beyond my job description. I get brushed off and tossed to the side as just an ignorant “associate.”

Well enough ranting about my job. May your days give you enough....Till next time.

IT'S BEEN A MINUTE.....

I don't really have the highest list of readers. You can check for yourself, not too many people follow my postings. However, for the faithful few, I have returned. And yes, I have updates.

Homeless Crisis...AVERTED...I found a cute little place rooming with a straight couple. Her name is Alisha, and his name is Eric. Yes yes I know, I have collected another Eric to go along with my namesake. Anyways, Alisha is a bubbly brunette vegitarian. And I do mean BUBBLY. and Eric (called Esquire by April because well my Eric is Eric1, I am Eric2, and the new Eric is #3, and she is tired of counting so he is now Esquire). If you know April in real life, it makes perfect sense and is brilliant.

Job crisis.....in flux..I HAVE FOUND A JOB..I am now a cashier at WAL~MART working part-time...YES part-time. I have requested more hours and a bump to full-time asap. I make enough money to cover my expenses at least. Rent, Food, Phone, Utilities...they are covered. I just don't and won't have money for personal things that I want. Not the biggest problem in the world, so I am not burdened by frills. At least I have a roof over my head, and food in my belly. I can make due.

So for all of you who were wondering....I am doing better. NOT WONDERFUL, but not dreadful either. Well readers, I will clothes this blog for now. May your days give you enough. Till next time.

Bottom of the Heap

It has happened! I have finally hit rock bottom, and there is no where left to go. I don't see a way up and out of my situation and I am afraid there is NO help out there for me.

I always thought I was a smart individual, capable of handling anything that presented itself to me. I guess I was wrong, SO WRONG. I look at my current situation and I feel like such a failure. I have no job, no money, I am about to lose my home. There is nothing I can do about it. I have no one to turn to for help. I mean I can try state assistance but I doubt they would be able to help me. I can't ask either of my parents for assistance, neither of them are able to help. I don't even have friends who I can turn to. I am just DOOMED.

The worse part about this isn't the fact that I am going to be homeless. I can get over that bit of trauma, or at least I hope I can. It's the fact that I tried to better myself, to become something MORE. Yet despite my efforts I am going down like the Titanic. I mean I was making awesome grades in college A's in all my math classes, only a couple B's. I mean I was doing really good. After looking at my school transcripts, I can tell you, I didn't make the best grades in high school. I mean I had a C average. I thought I did better than that. And now to end up at this point. It hurts deeper than anything I have ever felt.

Bobby isn't really taking the situation well. My main priority right now should be to me, but we have been friends and roomies for 5 years, I can't help but worry a little. Then there is Dylan. Poor thing just got to Austin.

The option I might have look even more bleak than homelessness.

1. I could move back to Mississippi and live with my Mom. Yeah that's a great scenario. She lives outside the Forest City limits. It takes 10-15 minutes by car just to get to a gas. There is NO public transit system, and I have no car and no drivers license. I would have to totally rely on her for all my transportation needs. She wouldn't want to do that again. Especially if I got a job working inconvenient hours. So the option really isn't an option.

2. I can try to see if Dad and Robin would take me in. Only thing is they JUST bought a house and getting there would be extremely hard. Plus I have no clue what the economical climate is in Ohio, I could be going into a worse job market. I don't even know if there is a public transit system available or not. I would be totally reliant on them for transportation, if they could spare it.

I have tried asking April and Eric if I could move in, but that situation would be totally ill advised, and we all know it. My only option is just to give up on everything and let things unfold. There are dozens of unknowns out there. I could be fine and find a job tomorrow. I could just end up homeless walking the streets for the rest of my life. I could be killed the first week out there homeless. I could snap and go crazy and try and kill myself. Those are all variables. Right now I just don't know what to do.

GAS SHORTAGE

We have all been effected by the rise in fuel costs. Even those of us who use public transportation. Gas prices have remained, in Austin, at around $3.50 +/- a gallon since roughly November. It has been higher and lower in different regions around the country. Which begs the consumer to ask, or at least i hope it does, WHY ARE WE WASTING GAS ON USELESS SPORTING EVENTS LIKE NASCAR. That's why I propose a BAN on the sport.

I have said it for YEARS, NASCAR is nothing but a trivial waste of time, resources, and money. Now, it has become even worse considering the prices at the pumps for regular everyday people. I have read the arguments and debates from concerned NASCAR fans. They actually up sell the merits of their favorite sport of choice and say that in a season NASCAR uses less gas than a city on a weekly basis. IRRELEVANT, it does not matter what amount or percentage they use less, the point is they are USING. It is STILL a waste of resources. Then there are those who claim that NASCAR drivers use a special fuel made from corn or something like that. BIG DEAL, that's still fuel that the public can be using. Any "SPORT" that uses that much fuel is NONSENSE, no matter how nominal it is compared to a certain cities use. The cities use is filled with people coming and going to work and stuff, being useful members of society. In an economy this bad, we should learn to trim the fat and get rid of things we don't need.

AND, on to my next point. The companies that sponsor these moronic displays of LEFT TURN MADNESS, are on the top of my list. These businesses spend literally billions of dollars on these cars that only make LEFT TURNS. Has anyone looked outside lately. Homelessness, poverty, illiteracy, hungry. These are issues facing our "Great" nation today. Yet instead of using these dollars for useful things, like EDUCATION, these funds are wasted on LEFT TURNS. Why not uses these funds on useful stuff. Cities across the nation are losing vital forms of public services, like firemen, police, and teachers. Its a sad sad state of affairs when a teacher makes less than a driver. Teachers teach our next generation people, those who will lead the way and take care of us when we are old. But as of now, we will all be at the mercy of IDIOTS. That's STUPID... It would be just as profitable for companies to take even a portion of these endorsement dollars and putting them into something we actually NEED.

Now, I know that there are those people out there who will think I am evil and ignorant of the joys of racing. Well ladeedah, and bully on you. I despise the "sport" always have and always will. But, I am not without compromise. Maybe not a full ban, but a half ban or something like that. Where a percentage of the racers are CUT, don't ask me how that will be accomplished, I have no clue. And, a small amount of the endorsements that go to the racers go straight into their local economy for public services vital to OUR SURVIVAL. And the companies who endorse these "people" must give a portion of the proceeds  to some CREDIBLE charity. And YES, i know there are companies out there who already give to charity. That is a good thing, but they could give a little more. And I would do my part as well in possibly buying something directly involved with NASCAR or something like that...who knows..

Blahs damn it.....

We have all had times in our lives where things didn't feel quite right. Something was out of whack or misaligned or stuffs. Well I have these moments, and I call them the BLAHs. The blahs are a state of being where you just don't feel good. And not only that, but friends and family can literally SEE it in your eyes. And its not a sick or in pain things, I just feel off. Kind of like a car needing the tires realigned or something. I am just off. Everything works and functions, I am not depressed or Uuber sad.

I have no clue what causes these moments in life. And its not too much of an inconvenience because as I said before, I am capable of fully functioning. Its just annoying when you walk around and the world seems to be missing a few colors here and there.

Well this blog is really empty, and there is nothing more to really say. Plus no one really listens or reads these except maybe 4 people.

Bi-lingual Bull...

I am an American. I was born an American and I live in America. It doesn't matter what state I live in, its AMERICA. So, what is this Bi-lingual Spanish crap about...We speak ENGLISH, here in the States. Yeah, English. Bad English most of the time, but English all the same Why should I have to learn Spanish, WHY. I don't get it. I honestly don't. I know we are having issues with immigration, but a dead give-away someone might be illegal is that they DON"T SPEAK ENGLISH.

I am all up for expanding my horizons, that's why I took ASL in college. I enjoy the language, I WANTED to learn it. It wasn't because of Paco or Juan. I mean, I would love to learn French, Italian, Japanese, or maybe Chinese. Those are languages I am interested in because one day I wanna visit those places. I WANT to be able to communicate with people in their native tongue, in THEIR country. Not in a Wendy's, waiting on someone to come translate what I ordered to Rosa so I can get my food.

If I was to go to Germany, I would first learn the language. I know that most of the world now speaks moderate English, but its respectful to the people when you are in THEIR LAND to speak in their language. It just common courtesy people. I hate the fact that today, if you have "Bi-lingual in Spanish" written on your resume, you get a shiny gold star. It just IRKS me to no end.

Now I am not totally cruel on the subject, I appreciate someone who tries. If I come across someone who knows mostly Spanish but has taken the effort to try to learn, I would be more than happy to use what little I know to help them in whatever they need. Hell, I might even try to learn more just because of inspiration. But I REFUSE to learn Spanish because they don't want to learn English.

Also, if your culture is a different from the country you live in, and you wish to hold on to as much of your heritage as possible, GO FOR IT. Learn all you want, bore your friends to death with stories of who did what in this country. Or that this means that, and its significance. However, do not FORCE me to learn. If it is interesting, I will sit and listen. I find a lot of things interesting, so I am a captive audience. Just talk to me so I can actually understand.

The Good Ole Days...

I like to reminisce about things that have happened to me over my life. Some of it was good and some of it was bad. You know the ups and downs of life. You know the things that we all go through, but there are somethings that I wish I could do over, and there are some things that I should of said but didn't. It's not really full blown regret, because my inaction was fated i guess. But I can't help wondering what life would of been like if I took another road. I know its a waste of time wishing you can take something back, or go back in time and fix a wrong. Its just not possible, things happen for the reason they happen. I know I am not alone in this, everyone wonders and wishes. If I could go back in time and properly set things right, I would. I would tell people how much I cared for them. I have a lot of  friends and family that needed it.

I know I am not responsible for the actions of others. People are free to live however they choose. Most of the people I know have turned out alright. Though there could of been good times we just did not have. There were plenty of people in school for instance that I could of known better, should of known better. Good people who I could of helped, or who could of helped me. Now it seems silly, and I ask myself "why didn't I say hi or something?" It's just something I wonder.

Then there are those people who thought down on me. Whispers and he said she said stuff that could of been handled if I was a little braver. There was a lot of talk about me being gay. Well, I am, so what. It's who I am. I think the only reason most people get gruff about the subject is because those people who are, aren't strong enough to admit it. Now lets not make this about some sappy gay coming out story, it goes deeper than that. And don't start on anti-gay stuff either. Its not worth the internet space. Just read the Blog and learn okay.

Then there is my family. Yes if you keep up with my blog you know how I feel about my parents, but this is about my siblings, not my parents, namely Brian. I was a DICK to him, OMG. But that was because I was jealous of him. He was outgoing and made friends easily. Popular with people, even more then me with my own friends. He was everything I am not. No I am not saying that I wanted to be him, so get that out of your head. Its just that things seemed better for him. At least they seemed that way when we lived with mom. I have no clue how his life has been since then. Which is a TOTAL regret.

Then there are my other siblings. Kayla, Kendra, Jody, and Cody. I have missed their lives. If it wasn't for facebook, hell, I wouldn't even know how to talk to some of them. Now they are grown up. In college, in relationships, growing up, and I missed it. I am only a brother by blood, there is no emotional connection. Then come to find out, one of my brothers, Jody or Cody, is having life problems. I heard things about drugs or something like that. I know what drugs can do. I saw my friend Josh R crumble from meth (in the past now), he is better.

No, I can't go back in time and fix things, wish I could, but can't. I just have to hope things will work out and pray things will look brighter tomorrow.

This IRKS me

I know that there are fads coming and going everyday. It is just something that happens, but there is one fad that I just cannot wrap my head around. VEHICLE TESTICLES.I HATE these things.

For one thing, it is the tackiest display of idiocy I have ever seen in my life. Your car does not need a pair of brass balls. What sort of ego-maniacal misogynist though of this crap. I get the imagery, I am not a moron. You have a hard working vehicle capable of doing anything, woop-dee-do...We don't need to see a shiny scrot swinging at us. Its distracting to drivers. And lets face it, Austin drivers DO NOT need to be distracted.

Second, where are all the right wing conservatives when you need them. Wouldn't this be indecent exposure or something. Isn't this offensive to all you "God fearing" people, I would think it would be. It's offensive me, and I am sort of left, I think...Who cares, its annoying.

Third, and most important. I can tell you this with no shame, I LOVE NUDITY. Guys, girls, thick thin: I am down with bare flesh. I have no problems with nudism. Its groovy and it feels good, so don't think I am against the human body. However, there are appropriate times for it. At a social gathering where it is preplanned and discussed. Local swimming holes where people are hot and just wanna cool down. Tanning out in the sun to get a nice golden color. All these things are good. Well, there can be issues with tanning for stupid people, but I will leave that for you to decide. But the idea of a mother driving her kids to work behind a truck that is WAY too big for this economy having to explain WHY the thing has woohoos is something else. Its disturbing to say the least.

I am all for parent/child sex talks. Kids need to know all they can about sex, its impacts, and how things work, and that whole sh-peel, but there are better ways of starting such a conversation. It should not have to be provoked by the "MACHO-RIDE" zooming down the block dangling like a porn star on a hot day.

I know that as a whole, humans are stupid. All of us are, even me. But there has to be a point where common sense comes into play...I HOPE.

OMFGWTHIWWP........

Okay, I had an interview today at 1 pm. That made me hopeful and happy. Happy is rare for me these days due to CRAP constantly being flung at me by the universe. I know I know, cry me a river and build me a bridge blah blah blah. I know most of the country well the WORLD is having financial troubles but hey. I am kind of focused on MY SURVIVAL. I digress.

Now, granted I should of see the signs poking me in the face, but I was putting a little hope into this possibility. It was with AT&T (they pay good) through an outsourcing agency. I've dealt with them before, a little red tape here and there, but not too much of a fuss. I get up early, like 5am to start getting ready ( shower, shave, iron, put on my smell pretties). I am dressed and ready and I have my roommate Bob drive me to the campus so I can print out some resumes. I get on the bus at 8:30, and ride and transfer and ride for 2 hours or so. woo...hoo... Anyhow, I arrive very early, its like 10 something.

This is where it gets a little off. The building, its not a corporate building, or a strip mall kind of thing. You expect an outsourcing thing to be in a certain kind of environment. OH, awesome part, I had to walk 2 blocks from the bus stop to the building in a suit and tie in the sun blah blah....so HOT, and I am not talking sexy. Any-who, the building seemed to be an old renovated apartment building.  From the outside you wouldn't think any kind of business would be there, not a clue. BUT once you walked into the center of the small "complex," I have to say...It was quite POSH. Beautiful amazon topiary, a rock water fall leading into a Koi pond, WITH REAL KOI. I was a little bit awed..it was pretty. Though it was a bit of a maze to find the right apartment though.

Once inside I am greeted and I say what I am there for. The receptionist makes the "here's your sign" remark that I am early. I figured that the bus system has boo boos here and there and I would rather be early than late. Well the guy said he would go ahead and see me because I was there.

Once in his office I take a seat. Normal interview protocol. BELL #....I've lost count, goes ringing in my head. There is NO EQUIPMENT, not even a computer, just a desk some chairs and a calendar...But remember I am hopeful. He proceeds to tell me about the company and what they do. Fiber optic thingys available where they weren't before, internet blah blah blah. Then the big zinger...I ask about pay. Come to find out the company is a COMMISSION PAY ONLY COMPANY... oh hell to the no. At that point, hope flew away. He sells his heart out trying to convince me before I have to go into the LOGIC of how things work in reality.

Bottom line..I HAVE TO HAVE STABLE BASE PAY...people can't live on the maybe of a sell. Its idiocy, or at least that's how I see it. Others might not have that opinion. If you are one of them SHUT UP, go get your own blog. What makes matter worse is the fact that it is a DOOR-to-DOOR saleman thing..UMM, its 2011, the 50s were 61 years ago.

I have no car, no license and the bus is my only way to travel. Needless to say I wasted my day on a fruitless dead end. Its back to the inter webs I go. Hi ho hi ho, hire me or you blow.....

I few things about me...

Here is a list of some of the things you should know about me....

1. I can be extremely immature at times...It's not that I am not mature all together, its just sometimes I like to play with the voices in my head. That I will always be a kid at heart. Sometimes I just get the urge to go play freeze tag, I miss freeze tag.

2. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed...I say stupid things from time to time and do the WRONG thing a lot of the time. I am only human so there is nothing I can do about that. I can read books, stay informed, learn a load more info. That doesn't mean I have the wisdom to apply the info. That takes time, I am still relatively young, sorta.

3. Sometimes I can loath just as much as I can love. I am human and that means I can be emotional. Especially since I am also Bipolar. I can have my bad days just as much as i can have a good day.

4. I can forgive when I am hurt, but I do not forget that I was hurt. I will still love you, I will still care for you, and I will still help you if I can. But there will always be that movie reel playing in the back of my mind reminding me that you did me wrong.

5. I AM NOT PERFECT, so don't expect it. You probably have heard something similar time and time again. It's kind of a cliche but it rings true for most people. I can be just as judgmental as anyone else, so just remember that.

6. I can tolerate a lot of things, but somethings I just can't stand. My pet peeve, flatulence around me. Its a normal human bodily function, I know. But you can step outside, or go to the bathroom or something. There are circumstances that don't permit that, so I am lenient.

7. I have no clue what 7 is. Maybe I should end it here.

Its WWIII up in this shit...

Wow I got a big response from a few people about my first few blogs. I was amused so, That's a good bag. Now to address some issues.

April and Robin, about your little cold war. WOW...That was intense...the internet fire fight was a nice touch, LOL. Thanks to both of you because you both, in your own way, defended , me. It makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. That's a good thing btw. Try talking things over before accusations are flung, the big thing about the net, people like to YELL, A LOT... Next time, ask what they meant, instead of "assuming" and Robin, you did assume...but its okay, Mommy Mode kicked in.

And about MOMS. Brian, even you have to admit, mom was cold and distant. She worked her fingers to the bone giving us everything we physically needed. But I remember a lot of times saying, "Mom I love you." but do you know what response I got..."What do you want?" That was her response, almost every time, I just wanted an I LOVE YOU back.

And DAD was HORRIBLE FATHER. If he couldn't support 2 kids, he had no business spawning more out of wed lock. Sorry that's just a fact. I love all my siblings, none were a "mistake." so don't twist my words into making me look like I hate anyone, its just feels like I was being replaced once or twice. I have wounds from both parents that won't heal, and I don't think will ever heal. It's not a question of forgiveness. I can forgive almost anyone of anything. But that does not mean that I will forget.

On a lighter note...I wish I could travel but here is my position. I have no job, and no money to my name. I am literally the walking talking personification of the Poverty line. I am this close to losing my apartment because I can't pay rent. I can't even pay for food. I am reliant on my roommates for most of my things. If I was to win the lottery perhaps I would love to travel.

I could say more, but I will leave it at that.

Mom I love you, but you SUCK!

There are good moms, and then there are bad moms. The degree on how good or bad is how you look at how they were as you grew up. What they did, or said, or what they didn't do or say plays a big role in how you measure a mom. I tend to weight my mother in that way. I look at everything as a whole to determine how good or bad she was.

When it came to providing for our needs, she was ON TOP. She worked like a dog, double shifts, two jobs, long hard hours. She did everything she could to make sure I had everything that I needed. Food, Clothes, Toys, a Home. In that respect, she is my HERO. The amount of crap, and I mean CRAP (she worked in a nursing home) she took over the years would turn the stomachs of lesser persons. I can't describe the amount of respect I have for her.

On the other hand, when It came to emotions, she was lacking. All her energy went into providing our physical needs, she had no energy left for me and my brother. Well, actually it felt like she had no time for me, because I believe she favored my brother over me. I looked like my dad too much, every time she saw me, she saw him. So right off the bat I was doomed. Doomed I guess is a strong word, but I use it because it sounds all dramatic and stuff.

I know she loves me, but she doesn't like me. I don't think she ever will. And for you MOM enthusiast out there, don't get the wrong impression. I am not ungrateful to her. Its because of her that I want to make more of myself then she ever could because of me. I know I ruined her life. If she had only one son, maybe it would of been so much easier on her. I am glad I am alive, but maybe I shouldn't have been born.

No I am not suicidal either. Not anymore at least, I hope. I am just thinking that it might have been better for her. But that's something we will never know

Papa..... can you hear me now.

I grew up in a HIGHLY religious home. My dad was a preacher, as was his dad before him. Everything was Bible this, God that, Christ yada yada. I can remember Sunday mornings, being woken up at the crack of dawn to dress in our best little outfits. Sleepy eyed, me and my brother would be strapped into the car and we would be driven to church. Then we would sit there listening, not knowing exactly what was being said. Good times, or at least they should have been good times.

My mom and dad divorced when I was roughly 5 years old. Since then I have spent so little time with my dad it's pathetic. We don't know each other anymore, or we never did know each other to begin with. The last time we were together was disastrous. I had changed so much, yet he was the same. He expected the obedient little chubby boy that clung to his every word. I wasn't that kid, except for the chubby part. I had my own thoughts, opinions, ideas: and most of them questioned his core beliefs. Needless to say we didn't get along.

There was a time when I did live with him and his new family. The relationship that birthed my two twin half sisters Kayla and Kendra. It was an okay time for the most part, however I was going through that awkward early teen phase. The time where most boys started getting into sports and girls... I on the other hand couldn't figure out why I wasn't into those things. I was a bit pathetic back then.

All those missed opportunities to bond were interrupted by his devotion to God. I guess that's when i started hating God. It was a way to get back at both of them. Kill two birds with one stone.

I don't miss my dad anymore, I miss the idea of him. What he should of been, not what he was. The most profound memory I have is of him leaving. Which is sad in and of itself.

I was young, I have no clue how old I was. He had just dropped me off at mom's. I think he was bringing me back from summer together. Those summers we spent were few and far between and then stopped happening very quickly. I was in bed because it was late. I sat up and watched him as he crossed the parking lot and drove away. I started to cry, and cried harder then I had ever cried before. I prayed to god and wished and willed him to come back, but he kept driving away. I was left there with my mother. Who wasn't the most emotional person alive.

It still hurts when I think back to that night. I hear people say that you can't dwell on the past. I can't help it, sometimes a wound just won't heal.

Here We are.

I guess this is where it all starts, my first real blog, WOOT!

I have  never done the whole blog thing before so this whole process is quite new to me. What purpose does a blog actually serve? I guess I am going to find out first hand. I guess I should start out by explaining who and what I am. To put it simply, I have no clue who or what I am. I guess I am the product of my environment, at least that sounds like the best answer I can think of at the moment.

My name is Eric, that's pretty much all you are gonna get as far as names go, unless you wanna call me Mouse. I am currently 27 years old. Not young but not old, somewhere in the middle. I am finding that life is HARD beyond all my previous perceptions. No, I didn't think life was easy, nor that it was gonna be easy, but this is ridiculous. I am unemployed, I was trying to go to school, trying to better myself, but it all came to a crash. At least for the moment. The worse part is that I was making VERY good grades. I mean A's and B's in ALL my classes. Now that has to wait because I have to find a JOB. Now that's HARD, let me tell you.

Its not that I don't have experience, I do. In a lot of things actually. Food service, Hospitality, Customer Service, Retail Sales, minor Administration. I can type 52 words a minute with a 91% accuracy rate. I didn't start working till I was in roughly 18 or 19. So I got 9 years of experience behind my belt. Different area but that just means I have seen different areas. I am not a bad worker either, quite a good one at that. I am dedicated, loyal, hard working (smart working as well). I am hardly ever late. So why is it so hard to find a job.

Wow, I guess I got off topic, though I didn't really have a topic, did I? Here's a topic, why did i pick "That's a good bag," as the name of my Blog. Great story actually, one told to me by April, a friend.

April's grandmother was a pack rat of sort, collecting everything from twist ties to bread bags. She even kept the boxes of mushy grey boiled broccoli served on the meals of wheels program she was a part of.  She couldn't bring herself to throw anything away, especially food. One day, as April was bringing in her grandmothers groceries, she found that there was no room in the freezer for anything that they had bought. The freezer was filled with tiny boxes of uneaten, grey, frozen broccoli. April, having common sense, said that she was going to throw out the uneaten broccoli. This didn't please grandma, who began stating that she didn't want to throw it out. So April, in her brilliance, threw all the broccoli Frisbee style out the terrace window. She then decided to, since she was cleaning anyways, clean out the clutter from grandmas kitchen. In the midst of what i could only imagine to be flying debris and a hyperventilating old woman, April found a bread box. In said bread box there were bags, not bread, but bags. Hundreds of tiny bread bags, stuffed to capacity. As April reached in, grandma said, "No, that's a good bag."

April has a funnier way of telling tales, I was rolling. But now when something good, or even bad happens that amuses me, I like to say "That's a good bag." It's my new philosophy in life. It incorporates the idea that while things may be excellent for one person, the same thing could also be trash to another. Life is full of things like that.